


wworld domination

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ambition, Gen, Hilariously Ineffectual Ambition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard being a megalomaniacal supervillain with plans for world domination when you work at a fast food joint.</p>
<p>It's hard, and nobody understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wworld domination

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, I had an idea at Subway: "What if one of the checkout staff was only smiling to win me round to their evil plans of world domination?"
> 
> This was followed by a realisation: "That's so Eridan it hurts."

Smile sweet as sugar. Helps the genocide go down.

Yeah, that's what gets them. A winning smile coupled with fresh salad and lavish daubings of their sauce of choice, and soon your evil schemes will be irresistable.

Ketchup? More like THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENEMIES! Flowing down their mercilessly slaughtered flesh -- okay, all you've got on hand is pig flesh, specifically ham, but that'll do for the time being -- amongst the torn and tattered remains of the land forests. That'll be the lettuce, then.

You'll flood the world and rule your empire from below, from a majestic palace on the ocean floor. You picture the waters gushing into the ocean as the man fills up his drink. Yes, you think, it's marvellous how prophetic everything is turning out to be. Never mind that you work at Subway right now. All the greatest dictators start small.

It's half past 2, not exactly peak time; hence the inhabitants of your future kingdom are looking fairly finly-spread. Sorry, thinly. You survey the ones that are here: a sickeningly gooey couple lounging all over a couch (and each other); a single lonely student alternating between bites of Meatball Marinara and glances at a textbook (you're anticipating the moment when she accidentally takes a bite from the textbook); a kid eagerly gobbling up the sixth of multiple footlongs (he should probably be in school right now, but you honestly couldn't care less -- the less educated they are, the more willing they are to lap up your ideology) and three mums engaging in motherly gossip (they stop here every day before picking up their kids, and you have heard far too much by now of their ongoing saga of "Rita with the nose"). The centrepiece, though, is a group lounging round a table in the corner: ahandful of students rehashing the endless 'aitch vs. haitch' debate. It's been going on for two hours straight, and 'Haitch Supporter on the Right' (as you've taken to calling the gangly blonde) is showing no signs of slowing or stopping.

Ugh, how you despise inferior lifeforms. When you become Imperial Deity of the whole world and universe, you decide, you're going to set an official pronounciation for that letter. Forget aitch or haitch, it's "wwaitch" from now on. And everyone will have to use that forever, out of ultimate respect and admiration for their Supreme Exalted Leader and his Supreme Exalted Stammer.

Take that, bullies -- 'wwimp' no more!

\-- oh yeah, customer.

"Wwhat do you wwant."

"You speak funny," snivels a six-year-old with a stash of coins that barely fit in his hand.

You smile as if this is an entirely novel observation, and one you feel all the more enriched for having been made. You'd like to punch his stupid runny nose in, but people tend to dislike that sort of thing. Shame, that.

"Ha ha. Yes I do. Ha ha. Wwhat do you wwant."

"Sammich."

What a pleasant encounter this is turning out to be. Forcing the corners of your mouth upwards and baring your gritted teeth in the process, you ask him if he could _perhaps be a tiny bit more specific_.

"Like me mam makes."

You're getting no further here. Fine, then. The little squirt has this coming.

Spicy Italian sub, with extra japaleños, extra _extra_ hot sauce and not a single piece of cheese to soften the blow. You could use this one in your glorious future to extract confessions from prisoners.

"Enjoy your meal." You hope he doesn't.

That must be his mother behind him in the queue. Eyes full of happy tears: "Ordering for himself! Isn't my boy grown up?"

When you rule the world, you're going to have trials to sort the decent offspring from the rabble, culling all the ones that don't have what it takes. That way, runts like him can be disposed of just days after their hatching. Er, _birth_ , you mean. Where did 'hatching' come from?

"Wwhich bread?"

"Ooh, I think the herbs and cheese one will do me quite nicely, young man!" she beams.

Italian Herbs and Cheese. That one's been remarkably popular as of late. The beginnings of a plot against you? Or a sign from whatever followers you must have already, showing you which one to put the mind-control serum in?

Yes, it must be the latter! Using the most popular bread type as the catalyst for your revolution... a stroke of pure genius.

Now all you need is some mind-control serum.

Although, the way that schoolboy over there's tucking into his _eighth_ footlong, you'd think he was mind-controlled already. Heh. Question is, could that work on other people...? You'll have to investivate thi--

OH FUCK YOUR THOUGHTS REALLY NEED TO STOP DRIFTING OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF WORK BECAUSE THERE'S ANOTHER CUSTOMER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND OH OF _COURSE_ IT HAD TO BE GODDAMN FEF DIDN'T IT. FUCK.

But there she is with the cutest goddamn toothy smile you've ever seen and you can't help but feel the evil plans evaporate. _Fuck everything._

"Planning world domination again? Hee hee!" And she's doing the giggle and her eyes are creasing up and GOD _DAMMIT_ you are falling _straight_ for it, just like you always do and fuck fuck fuck leaders need to be _strong_ and _ruthless_ instead of melting as soon as a girl smiles and shit shit shit you are going to be the worst fucking failure of a world leader ever and oh god she's looking straight at you you're hopeless.

She looks like she's seen your entire thought process. "Eridan, we need a feelings jam. RIGHT NOW!"

"But-- but-- but my shift's not ovv--" A quick glance at the clock reveals it is, and you were too absorbed in your idiotic scheming to notice. Jesus Christ, you really _are_ hopeless.

As you turn your eyes back to her, you notice something else: that she's got you held by the scarf and is now physically dragging you out of the shop. Looks like this feelings jam is happening. Whether you like it or not.

_Lousy stupid goddamn supportive friend!_

**Author's Note:**

> I like Subway :)  
> They gave me a free cookie a couple of days ago because it was my birthday :)  
> Hopefully that wasn't just part of their evil schemes of world domination :)  
> That would not be a nice birthday present :)  
> But it was a nice cookie :)
> 
> On that subject: _I HAVEN'T POSTED ANYTHING ON HERE SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN!!!! >:OOOOO_  
> </melodrama>Me being sixteen was still a thing just earlier this week. Still, <melodrama> _> :OOOOOOOOOOOOO_


End file.
